what else can I do..

I feel like I'm being tested.

Not only by God, but by my friends as well.

As if all the crap I put up with isn't enough to prove I would never do anything to hurt them.

I am done. I can't do this anymore.. it's literally making me sick.

I don't know how to make you understand that I love you.

venir dans ma grotte..

there's a cave inside your arms

where I like to hide

it's where I feel at home

and where my heart and logic collide

chin up.

'With your eyes closed. Watching a strange show play out in your head, but you were smiling somehow.
And your day froze, and everyone in it sat still as a rose, but we were moving somehow.. Back to where we started, losing who we were. Everybody knows that, you'd break your neck to keep your chin up.'

People keep asking me how I am.

I don't know how I am, so please don't ask.

...

...

God, help me do this..

Effrayé..

It's strange how we can be so scared to lose someone, that we end up losing them for the simple fact that we are scared. Or how we can love someone unconditionally, yet we find it hard to let someone love us back..

Things I said long ago..

So I found this, I had forgotten about it..

Drowning In Praise.. -Thursday, September 18, 2008

I love the ocean. I love walking along the shore with the water dancing around my feet; the waves come in and go back out. The ocean is breathing, and so am I.

But there are some days when it overwhelms me; days when the waves crash around me and I am trapped in a sea of rejection and fear.

Some people choose to just float around; it’s easier not to fight, not to hope. You don’t lose that way.

And then there are some of us that are drowning and frantically trying not to. We don’t know what we’re doing. We cannot get out, no matter how hard we try; we are suffocating in this ocean. We are searching for ‘Nemo’, and not finding him. But what if we held on to the hope of finding him? Even though the odds are not in our favor; even though there are hungry sharks in the water and an ocean between us.

What if we can praise God while drowning?

I love praise.

I love having it radiate from the center of my being and reach out to the corners of the room; I love being enveloped in it, breathing it. I love knowing that this is what I was made for. Words flow from my mouth, and my heart is bubbling over with an unexplainable joy at being there, in that moment with God.

I wish it could last forever… but it can’t. Not because God doesn’t want it to, but that’s not how life workds.. there are some days that there’s not a single moment where I’m radiating with praise; I’m just here. Storms have come upon my little island of praise and it’s falling apart, it’s being blown away; and I’m back in the ocean.. drowning.

Tragedy always comes, if you haven’t had a visit yet, you will; and we’re not talking about the flushing your goldfish down the toilet kind…no, the kind that leaves you stripped of all hope; the kind that leaves you empty and alone. It will inevitably happen, that’s just what this world is about.. but there is hope; a hope beyond our understanding, a glimmer of light in our unfortunate lives. He’s there, waiting for us to reach out and hold on tight. You’re never alone, never.

God is everywhere. He’s in the ocean that you're drowning in, he’s in the sky that awakes and falls asleep. The words written across the pages are His words, His pulse. In them we are running and He’s running after us. He's the air that we breathe, the essence of our being.

There may be storms surrounding you; you may get your heart broken and trampled on, but He’s never dropped it from His hands.

James 1:2-62.Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3.because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.4.Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.5.If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.6.But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

the notebook on the shelf.

It is 11:11.

I don't know if that makes this significant or not, but I felt compelled to tell you.

no, 'compelled' isn't the right word, I just felt like I should.

Anyways, I had a bit of a 'break-up' moment earlier this week, and though I haven't 'broken-up' with anyone, I still felt sorry for myself, I still ate ice-cream and watched The Notebook.

I still cried.

It might have been due to the fact that I, in a moment of pure insanity, read my old journals..

Lonely people tumble downwards..

this is how I feel sometimes.

~bee

Hana is going camping ...

SO,

I am about to embark on, what is pathetically, my first "camping trip".
Now I am not a "camping person"; I like electricity, and air conditioning, and beds; not to mention solid buildings and bug-free accommodations. But a girls got to grow up sometime, and I'm eighteen years old, so I can do this. I think.
But really, this is going to be fun, camping-out with my bestie; it's a new experience, a chance to grow. AND I get to get away from here for a little while, so that's a good thing.
I need this.
I need to get away from here.
If only for a few days.
If only to catch my breathe.
If only to hear God's voice again...

And We're Spinning

Well, I am currently stuck in bed, feeling like I'm on a never ending carousel ride..

To put it bluntly:

this sucks.

Love Extravagantly

1 Corinthians 13.13
‘Three things.. Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the greatest of these is love.’

'Love extravagantly.' Do you know what extravagantly means? It means to exeed reasonable bounds. Boy, I wish I could love like that... Some days I find it hard to even 'like' someone, let alone, 'love' them.

Love.

Such a small word for such a big action.

...

-hana rae

Hurricane Hana.

It's raining.

No, let me rephrase that, it's POURING. It looks like a freakin' hurricane outside. The sad thing is, that's what my life feels like right now.. a hurricane. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. But tomorrow is a brand new day, the sun will shine and I'll be okay. Even if the world walks out, I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

-hana

Pool Rings and Silent Screams..

Sometimes I feel like screaming,
but nothing comes out. I find myself gulping for air because I can't breathe..
I just can't breathe.

It's like when you're in a pool, and you let those rings sink to the bottom.. and each time you go a little deeper to get them; each time you hold your breath a little longer, till finally your lungs feel like they're on fire and you frantically swim to the top, gulping for air.

That's what my life feels like sometimes. Like each time I let myself go deeper; I hold my breath a little longer. A little longer, until I almost burst.

Maybe I need to burst..

-hana rae

Tie-dyed Hearts, and Twirling Hands.

It's days like these that I wish could last for a lifetime..

The Honest Truth

The honest truth is sometimes hard to take.
Friends come and go; we try and be good to them, we try to be ourselves. But sometimes you can see their hearts hardening, sometimes it's like watching water freeze into ice. Bit by bit, you watch them change; you watch them shut the door. And the light that you once saw in them starts to flicker, starts to burn out. We hold on for as long as possible, but it's like holding on to a wet fish, it's not meant to be held.

-hana rae