I've got my life in a suitcase..

woah.

hihello,

I'm Hana, and this is indeed, my blog.

And now I am going to give you the lame excuse as to why I have been m.i.a..

You see, I have been dreadfully busy lately.

...

Um, it's late and I'm getting up early to run, yes, run... so I am going to make this quick, and fill in the details tomorrow.

1) Oh, I run now.

2) I am making decisions regarding school, but that's a whole post in itself.

3) I am learning that I am a horrible judge of character.

4) The few friends that I am not thoroughly annoyed with, are the most wonderful people in the world.

5) Don't be afraid of taking chances. Falling down means that you flew, even if it was only for a few seconds.. And who knows, you just might fall in love with that girl you've been watching in biology, or that boy who's hung around since the ninth grade.. What matters is that you are giving it a shot.

love, come and save me from the drowning..

I feel like I'm in the ocean and wave upon wave keeps crashing down on me.

It's one thing after another, it's suffocating.

Something happened this past fall that I am still not over..

Then my Grandfather passed away.

Then I lost a friend.

And finally, my Grandmother passed away this morning..

It's too much, and I'm not enough.

I always think in a southern accent..

I like to narrate my life, I want to remember it as a story, not just as bits and pieces.

I like writing about it. I like describing people and places, sometimes I'll even sketch the special ones.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I do it because I am afraid I will forget.

{I am dust}

Words cannot adequately express my love for worship.

It is what my souls thrives on. I savor those thirty minutes on Sunday morning, purely spent worshiping my God. But then the music stops and the talking starts, and I am no longer interested in being there. I despise church, it is a forced appearance on my part every week.

The God in the music, the God I feel, is not the same as the God you are talking about. He is not a financial advisor, He is a healer of hearts.

That is the trouble with church, they all think they know who God is. They make it into a giant production, so that by the time it's over, you feel like you were at a rock concert and a marriage/financial/pillars of success conference. They have made God a person that you do not want to spill your guts to, because He has rules, and steps, and electric guitars.

Give me a room lit with candles. Give me intimacy.

Praise is more than just singing songs and raising your hands, it is the daily discovery that God is good.

Sure, He can help you with the other stuff.. but I just want to live my life praising Him, not finding time in-between to praise Him.

beautiful things.

I have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow.. but I'm writing this instead of going to bed.

I have never liked Valentines day.

February 14th will roll around, and my eyes along with it, because I know that it will hold nothing but empty feelings and desires while I watch dozens upon dozens of couples, decked out in red, holding hands and smiling because they're in "love".

Now granted, the majority of them are indeed in "love", and I watch those in bittersweet amusement because it can often times be a very presh sight and warm even the coldest of hearts. But it is still a reminder of what I do not have.

I did receive a pleasant surprise this morning though.. I had decided to go to church, knowing that it wasn't a good idea considering my feelings for the theme of the day, and for the fact that I really do not like my church, but I hadn't gone last week so I thought that I ought to. I had not been informed (or I missed the memo because I was at home painting) that one of my favourite worship teams was visiting us, The Michael Gungor Band. To my utter joy, I got to listen to them for about 30 min, which made the hour or so afterwards worth it. They sang {what is now my favourite song} 'Beautiful Things'.

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new

It was exactly what I needed to hear, it was God.

I felt Him.

I needed Him.

I needed Him to love me.

I needed Him to make me new.

in all the unholy bathrooms..

{paraphrased Right Away, Great Captain}

I am starving for you
and the music won't do
I'm still empty without you

I can feel the lord move
He is cleaning my dirty wounds
so I'll come back clean for you
and I can see your brown hair
when I close my eyelids
I'm in love with something
and you look just like it

{someone once told me that I am too quiet, he said violence was the answer. He was only joking, but I acted out my vengeance on a stranger}

...

that is how I am feeling at the moment.